Eight

Samara,

When I found out I was pregnant with you eight years ago, I was ecstatic. I will always remember taking that test at three in the morning, I will always remember how quickly the lines came up, bold and true, letting us know that you were on the way.

I will always remember watching your father call all of your grandparents and being terrified about the "what ifs"... But even then, when every worst case scenario popped into my head and flashed before me, I never thought that any of these scenarios would include me not celebrating your birthdays with you.

In the grand scheme to many, this is small potatoes, but when added to my many other failures as your mother, these potatoes are huge. 

Did I ever expect this for us? Most definitely not. And every day that you aren't here with us, to tell us your funny jokes, or to read to us... Every day that I wake up yearning to feel you in my arms and look you in the eye when I tell you how much I love you, and how you have blessed every moment of my life... I wish it were different. I wish it was easier.

I'm not angry with anyone but myself, but for what? I don't know. Nothing could have changed this year to make going down there possible. I am grateful for the fact that we're here and not further, but my god, it's not close enough, my love.

I know that your father and step mother and your family out there, will make your birthday glorious, please know that we are all celebrating with you from afar.

You are eight today.

I remember being eight too, almost twenty years ago.

On my birthday, my mom braided my hair in two braids, I wore a black and lavender striped sweater that was itchy. That was the year she gave me a hula hoop.

A silly contraption that I hadn't quite mastered the art of until this past Summer, when you taught me how to hula hoop.

I watched as the hoop swung around your little body effortlessly, and you explained how easy it was to do.

All I could really see was her though.

The little girl you once were, all she knew about hula hoops was that they were tasty, fun to gnaw on and exciting to run through.

Those moments seemed so long ago, and as you handed the hoop off to me so I could humiliate myself, I reveled in the bliss of having you as my daughter.

You are my hero, Pueo.

I am astounded by your strength, your intelligence, your tenacity and more than anything, how you love and forgive without condition, without consequence.

You are more than any delightful adjective I could dredge from the Thesauruses of the world, the immensity of my love for you is just as indefinable.

Have a remarkable birthday, Princess. I love you with every particle of me.

Comments

[Elizabeth]

Happy Birthday to your beautiful girl!

[Becky]

Happy Birthday Samara. One beautiful girl!!