On Our Marriage...
Monique | Tuesday, August 23, 2011 at 6:12PM I had someone recently, probably even jokingly, ask me how Christian and I could come through so much and not be a total mess.
Realizing that Christian and I have not yet been married for two full years, I understand that I may be “out of line”. Feel free to stop reading, or correct me, or scoff about how we’re still in our “Honeymoon” phase, which I assure you, ended two weeks after we started dating at 17 years old.
I know for a fact that we have a solid marriage today, despite some major setbacks in our earlier months and the fact that my depression drills holes into every good thing I have when it’s rearing its ugly head.
How are we still nauseatingly happy, for the very most part?
Well, here’s an insight into how our marriage works;
1: Communication is key, but also, a motherfucker.
I’m a bottler. Something upsets me and I keep my mouth shut until something sets me off and by then I’m far beyond the point of rational thought. I don’t want to talk it out, I just want to yell and argue, I want a fight, I want passion and anger. And then I want to be left alone, because I usually have residual emotional crap afterward.
I’m kind of a mess.
Christian used to be very quiet as well, which was a component in our demise years ago, but he’s never been into all the arguing. Now he’s the one who reminds me to speak before my crazy claws come out, and he’s almost a pro at communicating.
It is the hardest thing we’ve had to change, but has been the most important.
2: We have the same taste in music, and different taste in food – but love both equally.
If Christian’s favorite band was Hootie and the Blowfish there is no way this marriage would survive. I’m lucky in the sense that he will listen to almost anything, so occasionally I can get away with my Backstreet Boys songs, but I also don’t mind listening to those while I’m alone in the bathtub because Christian usually has something good to listen to on deck.
Christian can attest to the fact that it’s lovely to have a pint of funky flavored Ben & Jerry’s all to yourself. In that regard, it’s great not to have to share all the time.
3: We’ve broken each others’ hearts, but still learned how to trust and forgive.
Almost as difficult as communicating, is learning to trust and to get over shit.
Over ten years, we’ve been quite terrible to our relationship and to each other. When we noticed that we still had issues to work out, we knew we needed to adopt a technique that would work in conjunction with communication and opted for complete transparency.
We have access to everything; phones, email, social media. We are open about all things that would potentially concern the other.
It’s not that we’ve given each other the green light to snoop, because that’s not the case. It’s that we’re saying “Hey, look. I get it. If you don’t wholly believe what I’m saying to you, here’s proof that I’m being honest.”
And though we haven’t had to call upon any of these contingencies, knowing they are there is extraordinarily reassuring to us both. I wouldn’t recommend it in all cases, but we grew because of it.
4: I don’t give a shit about boxing…
Every Friday night, I know I lose my husband to boxing. He pops on the TV after our babies are in bed, and fluctuates between his cell phone – where he is talking to his boxing buddy who lives in Las Vegas, and the television screen. Every so often he’ll turn to me to tell me something I usually forget AS he’s telling me, some boxer is holding his hands wrong, or isn’t wearing deodorant or whatever and I smile at him until he shuts the hell up.
He returns the favor when I talk about Blogging.
I don’t make an effort to enjoy boxing, and I’m not obligated to just because we’re married.
We enjoy so many other things together, we are not lacking for a connection. I don’t expect him to understand why I’d consider a conference about blogging fun, and he doesn’t expect me to understand why he absolutely must have tickets to a fight that hasn’t even been arranged yet.
And that’s alright.
What’s important is that when I say “Love, I’d like to go to BlogHer next year.” He says “Whatever, Buttercup!”
5: We accept each others’ strengths and really obnoxious weaknesses.
Christian knows I am not housewife material. I don’t leave all the chores for him, but I’d be lying if I said I even did most of them. I am spoiled, this is undeniably true.
And on the other hand, he knows that while he’s at work he doesn’t have to worry about how our children are being taken care of.
He doesn’t make me feel inferior because I don’t make the money that pays the rent, and I don’t grump at him because I hate the 12 hour shifts he opted to take so he could better enjoy his time off.
6: We get one another.
Christian would never buy me flowers, because he knows I can’t stand them, but for my 26th birthday he had a humongous bouquet of colorful balloons sent to me at work.
Not ever would I wrap up a set of Captain America comics over anything having to do with Wolverine, or a special edition Batman whatever.
My husband understands my quirks, even the ones I can’t explain. I understand why something frustrates him, before he even gets to the point. We have more conversations using no words than we have all out discussions sometimes.
It’s awesome.
7: We learned the hard way that hurtful words and actions are for the birds.
I remember the look on Christian’s face when I removed my wedding band and threw it at him during a particularly angering argument. The action alone was appalling, but even after that I spewed hateful words because I could not control myself.
That was a dick move, and for some time after we’d resolved whatever issue it was, Christian held onto how easy it was for me to toss my band over something petty.
Now when I feel the “Blackout Rage” coming on, when I am so Hulk Smash mad I could chew my husband’s nuts off with no remorse, I take a minute.
I don’t always think about what I say first, though my words aren’t hurtful any more, I usually stumble my way through a disagreement - but I make sure that my actions speak properly.
Christian has never really had an issue with this, unless we were not together and then he could say “Hello!” and it would stab me in the gut with its icy chill.
8: We value each others’ honesty.
I already know that if I really don’t want the honest answer that I should not ask my husband. Sometimes I still have questions about our last break up, but I won’t ask them, because the answer would mess me up.
But whenever I ask “How does this look?” whether it be for a new blog design or my photography, I know I can count on him to tell me the truth.
I support that my husband is still indecisive about his ideal career choice, in some ways, so am I. I will support most of the things he wants to try out {Tattoo artist? Sure! Drag racer? Not a motherfucking chance!} so when I think something is silly, I tell him.
We truly appreciate each others’ honesty in every regard.
9: We work at being present.
When we first moved back to Ithaca, and in the same place as his “Brother” {Whenever I say “best friend” he corrects me with “No. He’s my BROTHER!” to which I get creeped out and reply “But no. He’s my COUSIN.”} for the first time in years, he was distant and inattentive.
I couldn’t even send him to the store without him calling my cousin and inviting him along for the trip – meaning it took two hours to get groceries when it should have taken twenty minutes. I’d talk to him and he’d be half ass listening because he was busy texting, the boys would try to talk to him and he’d shush them so he could send a link to some video game trailer, he’d see me frazzled with the Minions and he’d tell me he was invited out.
I didn’t mind saying “Babe. Not a good night.” and when I did he was okay with that, but then he wouldn’t wholly help me at home. Once I even asked that he was home before a certain time {for good reason, my husband is too old for a curfew} and when he totally disregarded me, I was sure I was going to have to kill him.
Instead I told him he needed to come back to Earth with the rest of the Caraballos or he was going to find himself living with his “brother”.
So when I decided to start venturing into professional blogging and lost my sense of reasonable time management, he told me I needed to come back to Earth with the rest of the Caraballos or I’d find myself living with my “best friend”.
We both caught the hint and haven’t had a problem since.
10: We are worth the effort.
It’s unforgivably easy to forget intimacy, date nights, the last time you had a discussion about something other than what’s for dinner and when the toilet was last disinfected… between work, breastfeeding, child rearing and other circumstances that prevent privacy, time and space.
Because Christian and I both have tendencies towards complacency, we promised each other that we would, to the very best of our abilities, not let that happen when we got married.
So we double the effort when we start to feel… meh. Even if we’re doing something like watching a couple of crappy movies after the kids go to sleep, we make the time.
11: We laugh in the face of astrology.
I embody 90% of my Aries attributes, while Christian is all Capricorn. Put us together and you’re supposed to get a combustible situation, as we are apparently the least compatible mixture of humanness ever.
Even our Chinese zodiac signs are opposed to one another.
Admittedly, yes – Christian married himself a battleaxe, I am high strung, Stuffy Rules And Company and he is Mr. Calm, Cool and Collected. About everything.
But, I think that’s why we fit together so exceptionally well!
Zodiac, be damned.
12: We regularly break into song and dance.
Have you ever watched The Cosby Show? When Cliff and Clair give each other a sassypants look and break into dance, and you think “Who the fuck does that?”…
We do.
Christian and I dance with each other whenever we’re close - despite the looks of total grossed out-ness that our children give us. He even serenades me.
But that’s not all. Christian and I kiss ferociously when no one’s looking, we hug tightly before he leaves for work and we always remember to tell each other “I love you”.
As anti-romance as we are, we have a very passionate marriage.
It's our way of keeping up the team morale - and because sometimes shit just doesn't go right - our way of making lemonade out of strife lemons.
To conclude on this novel of naivete, I'll leave this song.
It defines our marriage now, and I hope, until I kill my husband forever.
If you can't see the video click here.
Reader Comments (4)
I love this. Definitely something worth re-reading and coming back to. When something works - it just does. It's good to see you're happy & you have such a great thing with each other. Life is so much better with that!
Mo, Adam and I have been married just over two years now and I still get the same question. I'm a handful, to say the least, and he's so laid-back it's sickening at times. It's not always easy to explain to those stuffy headed, this is how it is, you're not through the honeymoon period people that we just work. I get it, Adam gets it, you and Christian get it. Who cares if they get it? LOL
You two just fit, it's obvious. Just like Adam and I just fit. And I loved reading this (can relate to some of it).
I have been married for 15 years so I think I am qualified (smile) enough to tell you that you are soo on the right track.. It takes other couples years to figure out what you already have.. yay for you!
Love this! Each marriage is so different,and each one has to find what makes them work!