"Mommy? How can girls love girls?"
Monique | Wednesday, May 2, 2012 at 12:09AM 
Caesar asks me one morning...
Besides Christian and I, the most influential people in my eldest son's life are gay, it's never anything he has inquired about, it's nothing that any of us are ashamed of and so it is not hidden from him.
On top of that, I am crazy about RuPaul's Drag Race, the only reason the boys aren't allowed to paint their fingernails is because they always have their fingers in their mouths, and if they want to wear pink, or lavender, or blue, or polka dots - they can.
We're just not interested in that "You'll turn them gay!" crap, because it's really too absurd to consider and I'd rather turn my concerns to something important like them 1: turning into couch cushion eaters, or 2: what if they don't appreciate books, or 3: they pick their noses compulsively - because then they'll never get a lover of any sex and they'll live in my garage with 42 cats.
I digress...
"What kind of love do you mean, Bubs? Friendship love, or like Mommy and Daddy's love?"
"Like yours and Daddy's."
I put down the tissue paper and star shaped hole punch I was using.
I consider how I'm going to answer this question. I've been in love with his father for a very long time, and I still can't define it, or explain it, or know how it happened.
Caesar waits as I ponder, poking his finger around the container filled with the rainbow colored stars I've already stamped out, for the Mother's Day cards he'll be decorating later.
That must have been what prompted the question. He has so many grandmothers, after all.
He flushes a bit, I've kept him waiting too long and now he's worried he asked an inappropriate question.
He shuffles his feet, and speaks again;
"I was just wondering how they love each other and if it's okay."
He's only five now, but how I answer this will shape what he knows, what he lives, what he repeats - forever.
No one really explained to me, what my mother being a lesbian meant, all I knew was that my family was different.
When I was in the 8th grade, a classmate that had seen my mother and her partner at the time holding hands in the supermarket, told me that my mother was going to Hell, along with a few other repulsive things I've tried hard to forget.
I can't let that be the first thing my son is told, so I will answer this the right way.
I want to be poignant. I want to be honest. I want him to understand.
"Their hearts picked each other, Scrumpet. There's really no way to explain love, or how it happens, it just does."
"Oh. But... Is it okay?"
He puts his fingers into his mouth, his nervous habit, and I take his hand, hold it in my own and I tell him;
"Love is so, so amazing! And when one person loves another person, it doesn't matter if it's a boy and a girl, or two girls, or two boys, or even two people who are not quite sure if they are boys or girls - it is always okay."
The answer satisfies his curiosity and he skitters off to finish playing Batman with Mercutio and Severus.
I know he's only five, but I can't wait to see who his heart picks out, because they will be incredibly lucky to have the unconditional love of my son.
Reader Comments (16)
Your answer to his question was very thoughtful and honest. I loved it.
We aren't born with bias. We are given them. It is often a most unfortunate gift that parents leave their children. When I worked with families as a social worker I would often run into all forms of bias whether it be gender, race, or socioeconomic. These were the families that often would tell their children horrible things. In my opinion, we are only on the planet for a very short time and our children our are legacy. We can leave a legacy that is enduring and gives hope or we can choose to repeat the mistakes of the past. Personally, I choose hope. I commend you on your response to your son. I have three year old son and my goal is to see him laugh and smile and wear pink boots if he so chooses (I have pictures of that actually.) Again, very nice response!! Aaron via stay-at-homedadblunders.tumblr.com
I always freeze when Andy comes up with a deep question, and I try my very best to answer in a good way. I hope I don't mess him up too bad. And although I love my husband dearly, he was raised with some old fashioned views and sometimes makes some inappropriate comments. Thankfully they mostly revolve around gender roles. But for the big stuff like who loves who, and those big ticket items, he feels like I do. Rambling. This was a lovely post and I think I may quote you when the gay/lesbian/straight thing comes up. =)
I love this! I feel like my generation was almost brought up thinking that love's an outdated, irrelevant, embarrassing concept (hence my blog title, The New Closet Romantic) so your post is really heartwarming. I hope I can do the same for my own kids when I have them.
I can relate to you because you keep it real and that's especially important with kids these days. It's refreshing when parents don't have to lie or hide truths from kids, my parents always shielded me from knowing too much and it pretty much backfired on them when I got older. Thank God we have a better relationship now but I always find myself catching them in little fibs still lol
Thank you Mo for not only explaining love to my nephew, but to anyone else who has no idea that love is not a color nor a gender. This is the first time one of your blog entries bought tears to my eyes. I am so proud of you and love you very much.
Great response. And you are so right, it does not matter. I'm going to re-read, memorize the response and then regurgitate it when my girl asks that question.
oxoxox
Michelle, thank you! I'm so glad I did well here, I am always terrified of answering the big questions.
Aaron, you are so, so right. Thank you!
Chris, Christian is the SAME WAY. It drives me crazy sometimes because he doesn't have much of a filter, and I'm like "Dude. Kids. Shut up." but I'm glad that his opinions aren't as rude as some of his jokes. o_O
Thank you, Tor! I love love, even though I'm kind of emotionally dumb - I really want my children to love love as well.
Xenia, it's one of the things I've taken from my own upbringing. My mom was always open, if we had questions, she'd answer them {the problem being I didn't always have questions}, and I truly think that's the best way to form a good relationship with your children. I think that when you're honest, and able to talk about anything, it makes it so much easier for bigger discussions when they're older. Or at least I hope so, I know it worked well for most things with my own mom. :)
I love you, Titi! :)
Sili, thank you! I am glad my response was helpful, and made sense, I was a little worried I'd lose it, haha!
This is beautiful!! LOVE it. I think you answered the question perfectly and I only hope I can handle it as well when the question eventually comes up in my house. You are an amazing mother to an even more amazing child (well... children, but let's keep the focus on Ceasar for now!)