On What "Every Parent" Should Do.
Monique | Monday, July 16, 2012 at 7:28PM 
It's not too often that I get super crazy ranty on this blog anymore, I'm not trying to stay away from these subjects, per se' - it's just that usually once I go on a tirade, I'm done with my anger before I even post the entry.
{You should see what I have in my drafts about the reaction to the infamous Time article on "extreeeeeme" Attachment Parenting.}
However, I just read something today that made me want to shit bricks and throw them at people. Of course it came from Cafemom's collaborative blog effort The Stir.
Please don't ask me why I still read the blog. Over a year ago I wrote an entry inspired by an article on The Stir and mentioned how I don't typically enjoy reading it. Most of its articles send me spiraling into rageface instantaneously, and well, the effort has since been further degraded by sub par articles, yet I'm even more fascinated by it.
This article is no exception. By author Ericka Sóuter, 5 Lies Every Parent Should Tell Their Children, is the very epitome of everything I hate about The Stir.
Go on, read it. I'll wait.....
Christian and I have always been of the Honesty Camp, when Caesar asked me at age FOUR, what sex was because he'd heard some kid in his preschoool class mention it. I told him!
I wasn't detailed, I didn't have to get all nitty gritty, but he did have to understand that sex wasn't something he needed to discuss until I was, at least, dead - and why. I also used it as an opportunity to talk about "bad touches" and then I went into the kitchen and had a shot of tequila.
We're honest with our children, because our parents were honest with us. Not because, we want them to be prepared for life and all its many stupidities, atrocities and disappointments. Not because we're lazy and don't want to take the extra time to write out "From Santa" on their gift tags. Not because we aren't sensitive to their age.
Because we know firsthand what honesty does - it breeds communication, it creates a trustworthy atmosphere. Which are the foundations of any good relationship - including the ones with your children; trust, communication, honesty, BAM!
Though my mother and I are mostly polar opposite parents, the one thing I made sure to emulate was her honesty. I didn't grow up any faster than other children because my mother was truthful, I was just more knowledgeable in some aspects because we talked about them.
I wasn't more knowledgeable about everything, and I'm sure my children won't be either. There are still many topics I'm not quite ready to broach with them.
Earlier this year, when Caesar asked me if it was okay for girls to love girls, I gave him the answer I wanted to shape his future with, then later, I quickly informed him that not everyone felt the same way. So that he knew a difference of opinion existed, if ever he were faced with it.
Eventually I'll have to explain to him the more hateful side, but right now he's five, and love should be predominantly beautiful.
This article infuriates me because it perpetuates dishonesty as a common practice, and then encourages it for stupid reasons.
Example, the author writes:
Santa DOES exist. Every kid should believe St. Nick, the Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny, and every other wonderful, magical creature that does nice things for them is real. Soon enough they'll be smacked with the fact that very few people do anything nice for free.
For one, I don't believe that honoring the tradition of Santa is "lying" to your child, there are many reasons why that guy doesn't live in our house - but that's not one of them.
For B, don't parents do nice things for their children? Family? Friends? Are mythical strangers really the best example?
Try this instead: when you read a good Samaritan story {they exist} - share it with your kids!
Today I saw a video of someone who took the time to nurse an injured dragonfly back to health! A dragonfly, y'all.
I showed it to my sons and said "Isn't it awesome that she fed the dragonfly ants so that he could survive?" and they were like "MOM?! Dragonflies eat ants!? WOOOOOW!" and now they want to save bugs.
Which sucks, because I hate animals, and insects even more, but they are thrilled to save something out of the kindness of their unsullied hearts! They are now an example, they know a little more that the world is not comprised of heartless buttholes alone, and there was no help from the Tooth Fairy.
The author then goes on to list the four remaining things that I disagree with completely. For each of the reasons she suggests it's okay to cultivate the fib, there are many more ways to speak truthfully - without damaging your child, or potentially, your relationship with them.
Above all though, this avenue leads your children to believe that lying is okay, or that it's only okay when done by an adult, and places children as the inferior; "I can lie to you, because I'm an adult, and you're just a child."
Like spanking the child who hit their brother, these contradictory tactics make no sense. And, why shouldn't my children deserve the same respect that I expect to receive from them?
In this house there are severe consequences for lying. Upholding those same rules myself means I place value on them, it makes them important, and hopefully that importance makes it less likely that my children will break the rule later on. {I said hopefully, I'm also a realist.}
There are too many words, in too many languages, too many ways to converse, for lying to be an acceptable norm, in any relationship.
My mother says "If it don't apply, let it fly." meaning that if it doesn't pertain to me directly, I shouldn't bother acknowledging it. However, articles like these - that condone negative tactics, are usually titled in a way that suggests what "every parent" should foster, and they just really suck.
If you want to tell "little white lies" to your children, because it works for you, then do your thing - but don't suggest that everyone should employ the same strategy in their own homes.
Reader Comments (22)
If you could see me right now, you would know I am giving you a standing ovation. Honesty breeds open communication and teaches children they can trust parents with information. Period.
You are a mom after my own heart. I try to be very honest with the boys. That's how my parents were with me and I was well prepared for the "real world".
Well, isn't that just ....annoying! Seriously though you are right -- I value honesty too. And I don't think parenting is universal - you do what's best for you and your family at every point in the game. You don't do what someone else does....just because.
I don't... what?!? We let Moose believe in Santa and whatnot - but the day he asks if Santa/Tooth Fairy/whatever is real - we'll tell him the truth. We're pretty sure he already *knows*, I think he just likes the stories. Besides, it makes it easier when there's presents from "santa" at my in-law's house (no 'santa' presents at ours). We've nevereverever told him he had to be a good boy or Santa wouldn't bring him something, or vice versa.
He knows the difference between winning and losing, and knows to be a 'good sport' if he wins, and to not be a 'sore loser'. He's learning now that sometimes you win and sometimes you lose. It's not that you "win" your promotion, you earn it! As for Ebay,you got lucky.
As for monsters - he knows monsters are fiction. He also knows that there are mean people. There's a difference between the two - I prefer to not have my kidlo afraid of the monster in the closet or the Boogey Man! I'd rather him have a healthy dose of "why we don't talk to strangers without another adult you know there."
Honesty is the best policy - if I don't have something nice to say to someone - I don't say nothin' at all (thanks Thumper's mom!). We teach Moose that. You can still be honest without being rude. I believe there's a difference between honesty and brutal honesty. I wouldn't tell my friend that she has a serious case of muffin top in the pants that she's trying on - I'd tell her that I don't think they look good on her.
As for Love vs Money... Ugh. Really? How old are the kids she's talking about? Moose at 4, knows that we love him with everything we have - and he also is learning about saving his money to buy things he wants. Besides, it's not that money is more important - you just have to have it to survive. But love gives me warm fuzzies like no other, while cash just kind of smells funny.
Phew. There's my two cents! (More like two bucks, but hey...)
YES YES YES YES YES. We are still very much on the fence on the Santa thing, which was the only 'lie' my parents ever told me. And while I grew up fine (I think), that's not a good enough defense. My parents were honest about everything else, and Donny and I plan to be. It's one of the reasons I picked him to have kids with - or rather, couldn't resist the idea of making babies with him despite my staunch anti-child position up to that point.
I completely agree that giving adults power to lie IS sending that message that they have all of the power and that a separate set of rules exists for them. Plus it's so hard to undo lies later, and then they'll NEVER know what's really true from you. Also, lying about the existence of predators can be downright dangerous. You do need to be age-appropriate - Your "good touch, bad touch" example is perfect.
Ugh, The Stir sucks almost always, yet I'm always baited as well. Bastards!
I hate the absolutes some people think parenting has to be. Besides, I still think Santa is real. How else do I explain all the presents I bought for myself to Jason?
That bit on the dragonflies and your children's unsullied hearts - so great! Great piece.
Santa's not REAL?!?!? My daughter is TERRIFIED of Santa so he doesn't visit our house. He freaks her out. I don't blame her.
I agree for the most part. My husband and I do sometimes tell the children that we're going to "talk" when really we're out to mess the sheets up but Um...I don't think it's appropriate to tell my 10 year old that Mommy & Daddy are going to go get it on. Other than that, we are honest. When our kids ask questions, we answer them honestly and to the best of our abilities because we expect the same of them. I guess it's kind of like when my 10 year old goes into his bedroom to touch himself, I'd rather he just tell me, "hey mom, I'm going to go read."
I'm cool with that.
Thank you, Elizabeth! :)
Thanks, Brooke. It can be extremely tough, but I think honesty pays off in the end. I know it did with myself and my husband. I can only hope for the same results with my brood.
Johannah, I completely agree. Parenting is not one size fits all!
Shelby! Your two bucks worth wins the Internet! I agree on all counts, so many things wrong with this article.
Janine, motherhood suits you so perfectly, I can't even believe you had a no children clause! That's nutty to me, haha! I truly hate The Stir, they have so many of these types of posts: "Lies it's okay to tell your husband." "Things we all lie about to our mother in laws!" "52 1/2 lies you don't need to feel guilty over."
Because encouraging and condoning dishonesty is always the right way to go? Nah.
Jen, I died. I wonder if it's too late to incorporate Santa into my marriage, haha!
Thank you, hsofia! They are still talking about this dragonfly today, they want to find one to care for. I'm kind of hoping they don't.