Stagnant
Monique | Saturday, August 18, 2012 at 7:39PM 
I'm so tired of rehashing my miscarriage...
Christian's bosses and coworkers are still congratulating him on the baby on the way, and he's crushed every time he has to tell them I miscarried. I'm asked at least once a day how the pregnancy is progressing and I have to tell them the pregnancy stopped progressing when it was lost 16 days ago.
And I'm lost too.
My life has been forever changed by this, and while I want so desperately to move forward, I'm rooted in this sadness, stuck between a future where I'd have five living children and a present where I'm ruminating upon every action I took since becoming pregnant to figure out what the hell I did wrong.
People keep offering to talk to me, they share their sorrows, but all I can say is "This sucks." I lack the vocabulary to properly and adequately describe my pain, and don't want to burden them with my grief.
All around me, people are falling pregnant and I am bitter. It hurts to admit, but it's true.
They are angry at this surprise, they complain, they hate their figures, their nausea. And I know the feelings, for the two weeks I was blissfully pregnant with Y. I complained too. But I can't handle it. I want to invalidate their feelings, tell them how much I'd give to feel exhausted again because I was growing my baby.
I can't congratulate them. I can't commiserate with them, or be excited for them. It's too difficult. So I say nothing at all. Just nothing.
Sometimes I am sure I want us to try again, to not let this defeat us, and then I feel guilty for trying to replace Y. I'm too scared to give an answer either way, but soon our personal deadline approaches and I don't want time to make that decision for me, so I know we have to do it quickly.
But first we need to grieve, which Christian and I are both horrible at, and then we need to heal, and I don't want to rush that process either.
I sit by my windows every evening as the sun sets and I can feel the coming change of Autumn, the slight chill in the air, that refreshing crisp briskness. My favorite. I watch the leaves on the trees begin to redden and wilt, soon enough they'll fall away and the trees will be left bare and vulnerable to the eventual snowfall.
I hope that I won't still be sitting here, watching the world, when it happens.
But it hurts too much to move.
Reader Comments (5)
I feel so bad. I wish I knew a way to help.
I am going to touch on the thing that stood out most to me. You will not be replacing Y. If another comes along, it will be your sixth child. Y was as much a part of your family as the other children. They may eventually forget that he was a part of your family. But, even though you didn't get to meet him, he was.
I'm sorry.
Everyone who has lost a wanted pregnancy has had some versions of these feelings, but knowing that probably doesn't help you. I can say I lost a pregnancy more than 25 years (and 5 kids) ago, and the baby who was born to a cousin on my due date is still a painful subject for me. She's different from the dozens of others, although I would never say so.
So, if there's something my story says, I guess it would be that grieving is something you do while life progresses. Don't let an imaginary vision of "after" leave you stagnant. And get help, if necessary.
I'm holding the good thought for you.l
I don't have any words that can help, but I want you to know that I care about you and am thinking of you. ♥ I hope you know you could never replace Y. Y will always be a part of your family, even if you add a sixth child.
Y is a part of you. He always will be a part of you. Having another child will not replace Y, ever. You didn't do anything to cause the miscarriage. Sometimes crappy things just happen and there's no reason given. I know that won't make you feel better, but I think you need to know that it wasn't your fault.
I'm sorry you're grieving. I'm sorry you feel stuck. I'm sorry you feel guilty for greiving. If "this sucks" is the best you can do to describe your feelings, then say it. Scream it if you must. Again, I am so sorry you have to go through this.
Do NOT blame yourself. Don't beat yourself up trying to figure out what you did "wrong." Do not try to place fault. It won't make you feel any better.
After my miscarriage I didn't like hearing about others' pregnancy news either. I had this "Oh yeah? Good for *you*" attitude about it. I was so angry at them, for having what I didn't.
I hope that soon you will find yourself in a more comfortable place, where it's easier to let people in.