Permission To Resume Living
Monique | Tuesday, August 7, 2012 at 12:20AM 
Dr. Terrific's nurse called while we were teaching Caesar how to ride his new-to-him two wheeled bike, something we promised we'd do before his 6th birthday, and asked if I had a minute.
My heart immediately hit the ground.
They weren't supposed to call. I'd gotten my last quantitative HCG test done that day, and if my counts didn't drop that meant something far worse was looming on the horizon for me.
She transferred the call to Dr. Terrific and he explained that they needed me to get my blood drawn for one more quant, on Friday when I got the first one done my HCG was at 79 and now it's 15. Definitely dropping, definitely a miscarriage, but he needs to see the HCG go down to 0.
I breathed such a sigh of relief, another blood draw I can handle. A surgery? Different story.
Next week, I'll head back to the lab and I should be at 0 then, and finished with the clinical aspect of this miscarriage.
He answered my questions before I asked them, and by the end of the call I was heartbroken all over again, but hopeful for the future for the first time since I landed in the hospital. He gave me the go ahead to resume life again, I can get off of the bed rest {not that I listened wholly anyway} and pull myself together.
I've learned that I need to set small goals for myself every day. I tried to bounce back to everything at once, but got overwhelmed, I can't try to catch up - I just need to move forward: reply to emails, a few of the overwhelming amount of messages on Tumblr or DMs on Twitter, a load of laundry here, a room completely cleaned there... It's tough, when all I want to do is sit and cry, but I have wonderful support all over, helping me to get my life back in order.
Caesar asked me where the baby went, after I told him that I was no longer pregnant, and I explained to him that some people believed in Heaven, some believed in reincarnation. I told him that he could make up a place for the baby if he wanted to, but that I believed the baby became a part of our hearts.
He and Mercutio liked that a lot. So, that's where he resides. In our hearts.
After some pressure from them, Christian and I decided to name the baby as well.
Though we didn't know the sex, I was pretty sure I was carrying a boy and we'd been addressing him as "him" and "he" anyway - so we went with a boy's name after finding no suitable unisex names.
As of right now, I'm not sure if I'll share the name we chose, I'm not sure why. I've shared so much of his story, it seems silly to keep his name close to the chest. Until I decide, his initials are Y. F. and I'll refer to him by those.
Though I couldn't imagine it possible, Christian and I have grown closer through this. I thought we'd have to fight to get back to normal, but that's not the case so far. He's keeping the sadness at bay as often as he can, which is such a task for him I'm certain, and just being beside him is a comfort.
He has helped me field the big questions from the kids, and is there for extra big group hugs {of which there have been plenty} whenever they are needed.
I have not sought out support otherwise.
I don't want anyone to think they are offering their shoulders and ears in vain, I don't handle being a burden well, and I'm sorry. I'm struggling with the answers to so many questions, some I'm sure are ridiculous, and I want to ask them, I want to hear your stories of survival, how you decided to proceed the way you did... But I am not ready to ask for help.
I'm anxious to get on with existing again, but scared of what our normal will be, and not ready to let go. We may have capsized, but we cannot let this sink us completely... I know.
As for teaching Caesar to ride a bike before his 6th birthday hits?
I am proud to say that he's getting there, learning to balance and pedal forward, and we are jubilantly cheering him on.
Reader Comments (17)
I want to hug your whole family so tight right now. (big deal for me) I am so happy you and Christian are growing closer through this. It was very sweet that your family decided Y.F. is now in your hearts.
I for one am thankful you are sharing your story with us.
Riding a bike is a awesome experience! I know he will do well at it and succeed! I know with a mother like you Caesar will be riding like a pro and go far in life!
Thinking of you and your family,
Aaron
I have you on the same level as the friends I have here in town. So I'll tell you what I tell them when they're struggling. I love you. This part is just for you: I look up to you so much as weird as that may seem to you. You are so bold compared to me that it scares me a little, but it's one of the greatest things about you. What little I can do when you're ready to ask, I will do it. We're not so far away either in distance or in heart (or so I like to think).
It's so great that you were able to enjoy teaching Caesar to ride. You're not sinking. Treading water maybe, but you're not sinking. And I don't believe you will. We love you, so keep us updated. Your family has been in my thoughts, and will continue to be.
I'm so sorry for your loss! You have a beautiful son, though. Good luck to him in his bike riding pursuits! From experience, I can say it does get better, but it takes a while. Just hold on tight to your loved ones! :)
I am so sorry for your loss! While the closest thing that i have ever experienced to this was the loss of my father far too young, I still can't fathom what you must feel. I'm glad that your family has been such an amazing support for you and all of your children are such angels!!
Keeping your family in my thoughts. I'm so sorry for your loss. I know it can be hard to resume normal living after something so tragic.
I am so sorry for your loss. I know it's hard, but like you said he's apart of your hearts!
Monique, you and your family are in my heart and in my prayers. I know that Y.F. is now an angel up in heaven and one day you all will be reunited. I am so happy to hear that you have such a strong husband and kids. You know us RBs are here for you if you ever need anything.
I am so sorry. We went through this in January of 2011. It still hurts. If our baby had been carried to term, we would be setting up for her first birthday party right now. My husband feels strongly that our angel was a girl. It's hard to reconcile missing that baby, and yet loving baby T sooooo much and knowing we couldn't have had them both (T's bday is in December). All I can say is hang on, it does get easier. Obviously it will still hurt, but you'll be able to breathe again. Sending you lots of good thoughts.
I am sending you the biggest hugs I can possibly send. I don't know what it's like to lose a baby but my heart is aching for you right now and I wish I had words to share with you to make the pain go away. YF is lucky to have had you as a mama, even for a short, internal time. I applaud you for being so honest and open about what you are going through. I believe transparency is key to healing and you're on the right track.
I wish I could hug you. I don't think it's weird that you are feeling reluctant to share the name (right now of ever). You've already shared so much, pored your heart out , I think it's reasonable to want to keep something just for yourself. You'll find normal again, the 'new' normal as therapists like to say. You've capsized but you're still going.
So sorry to hear Monique. {hugs} I really need to work on getting my son to learn how to ride his bike. He'll be 6 at the end of the month and still has training wheels!
Hon, I'm so so so sorry. I read this and had to stop and take a moment. I've said a prayer for you and your family. And I've shed a few tears for you. You are a beautiful person and so is your family. You've been so strong snd yet so open about sharing all of this. I'm here for you!!
I am so sorry. I know these feelings too well. Feel your feelings and do what you need to do to get through this. I found you through Sili. I know you don't know me but you are not alone. We are here to listen if you ever need to scream or yell or cry or just be pissed. I understand. My thoughts and prayers are with you and our baby is too in our hearts.