I've never truly believed in much.
I didn't believe in the words of the Church I was raised in, I didn't believe in spells all those years I was a Wiccan, I didn't believe that there was some uncontrollable plan for my life - fate, destiny, whatever you call it.
It didn't make any sense to me.
I've helped build a strong marriage and beautiful family, we are creating an amazing community with members of our family that we'd long lost touch with, we're growing and changing, and it's all because we have a hand in everything we do, we have a say in what happens...
But this happened, and my control was lost, decimated completely along with any faith I've ever had in anything at all.
My friends sent text messages, cards, beautiful, thoughtful gifts that sent me spiraling through my days, so lucky to have all of you in my world, even if it is via an Internet connection.
Together we rebuilt, my husband and I. Without your support and words, and love - it would have taken us much longer.
My family regained some idea of normalcy, a different but adequate normal, and I regained a sense of control.
Through many hours of discussion, Christian and I decided that once my body decided to find its own normal, that we would try to add to our family again, for the last time. And with renewed faith and hope and belief that I would carry to term, we were set to start on the journey again.
But first. This...
Maybe it is fate, destiny, part of a bigger plan. Because I was already pregnant when we'd made the decision to wait for my cycle to return so we could try to conceive.
I am completely flabbergasted, terrified, excited, feeling all kinds of blessed, and hopeful that things will have a better outcome this time.
And so far, it seems so. I'm right on track with intense nausea, and thinking it was the plague, I complained. But I swear I will eat my crackers in stride henceforth, I will celebrate every moment of morning sickness, every ache and sleepless night.
Because I am filled with humongous gratitude at being able to experience it.