Potty Learning Without Sweets Or Reward Systems
Monique | Monday, January 7, 2013 at 10:26AM 
The title sounds like punishment, but I'm sick of this stuff! I'm sick of toys, sick of stickers, sick of candy, sick of starting habits we have to break later, sick of reading countless articles and finding the same information over and over again that doesn't change {unless it's getting worse}.
I tend to forget how this goes and end up scouring the Interwebs, blogs and grilling parent friends for information, and almost everything I find starts the same way: "lots of candy", "sticker chart" or "little toys to reward them with". I'm going to say this; potty learning was not meant to happen in one day.
It may have worked for some, but I personally find the idea a bit ridiculous, rushed, unrealistic and given that every set of instructions begin with "a lot of snacks and candy" as the emphasis, a little unhealthy too.
I don't know about your children, but if I give mine a lollipop today, they foam at the mouth just thinking about the lollipop until the next time they are allowed a piece of that sweet heaven. If I loaded them up with that for a full day, and then stopped? Hahahahaha, no. No. That just would not go over well. And in my ranting over this, people have suggested giving fruit or healthy snacks instead.
You load your child up with fruits all day and see what mess you get to deal with next. I've experienced this. I have nightmares from these experiences. I'll pass.
What the hell is Severus going to do with a sticker chart? He gets to excitedly pick out a sticker that he can't play with, attach it to a piece of paper that he can't play with, and is then expected to revel in his success? I don't think so. While he would have grasped the concept {not easily}, he would not have appreciated it, and it would not have helped at all.
Toys. Good gracious, toys. These children have quite enough of those, so people suggested "cheap" toys instead. The ones that break. The ones that break and I undoubtedly end up stepping on. I can't do this either.
A friend suggested temporary tattoos, which are easily removable if there's an accident, and I loved this idea because we have so many tattoos.
But the truth was this - I didn't want to start any kind of rewards system at all. We'd tried so many of these already, with no success, and more pain in the assery.
Sev is going to have to use the toilet every day. When we stop giving rewards, will he regress like Mercutio did to get more? Will he even understand why he's getting them? Caesar totally missed the point, no matter how many times we explained it, he was just giddy over his reward.
I can't be the only one who has looked for some sort of potty tips, that didn't start with a rewards system of some sort as its basis, so here I'll share some of ours and hope they help you too.
Severus potty learned at 25 months, officially making him our youngest potty goer so far. We intend to start the new baby at 18 months.
Let them lead: We do a lot of talking, and even at 18 months and our first attempt, we explained to Sev that we were going to say goodbye to diapers and hello to the toilet {no joke, I even introduced them}, he didn't care. We allowed him to pick out his underwear {buy lots of underwear}, and his potty chair {more on the potty chair later}, so he helped to start the process but had no say in us REALLY beginning, which ultimately ended up being frustrating for him.
We went home, he sat on the potty, put on the first pair of underwear, and had a few quick successes! The day after that, he helped set up his "space", next to his potty were his wipes, a few books that he chose, and a toy in case he needed some company.
And then, I set the timer...
Be consistent, but stop the timer: The timer is such a load of crap. I'd set it, he'd pee before it rang, set it again right after the accident, he'd pee before it rang again, this was a constant cycle. No matter what I set the timer for; 5 minutes, 30 minutes, 15 minutes, the timer and the child never synched up.
The first couple of days into our second attempt, I couldn't take it and I bawled. I didn't know what I was doing wrong, everything says "timer, timer, timer, timer" and I had 40 different potty training timer apps on my phone!
Nah. Cut that out.
Children typically have to go at the same times you do; after you wake up, after eating, after drinking. Give your child a glass of water, and then observe. Even if they can't tell you they have to go with words, you'll note a change, and that's when you suggest the potty.
And keep it up! Do it 100 times a day, as soon as you notice the shift in their walk, or the quintessential crotch grab and potty dance, or whatever sign your child uniquely shows.
Still though, accidents will happen...
Allow them to have accidents: It's a lot of extra work, cleaning up after a child in the beginning stages of potty learning. It's frustrating, sometimes it is even angering. Do not discourage your child.
Let them know that accidents are alright, have them help clean up {simple stuff, Severus used to drag over the steam mop, help clean himself off in the tub and then choose a new pair of underwear} and be ready to try again. It is damn near impossible to stay calm when you've done this 10 times a day for the last 3 days, but it's imperative to remember that your child is learning, and now is the worst time for them to see you explode because it could very well scare them into not progressing and you'll still end up cleaning poop off the floor - and if you don't quit the process then out of anger, you'll probably end up doing it for longer.
In our home, we talk to the children like they are capable of understanding, because they are...
Use your words: I have always found that words make great impact, and so we change our language to ensure we're making the right impact. I don't mean baby talk, I mean things like eliminating the word "Okay"
For example: "We're going to potty now, okay?" as a friend notes, it takes away the option of them saying "No" in response. They understand that they are going to the potty, you're just giving them a heads up. "No" may not have been an option for you, but you asked if it was okay and so "No" became an option for them. I am not into backpedaling with my children, if they say no, we usually respect that because we feel they have good reason.
Here though, no is not an option.
Don't threaten to put your child back in diapers, because that's not really a punishment for them and if you go through with it, how does it help them to move forward?
Don't question their age or competence. "Are you a baby, or a big kid?" "Don't you know better than to pee in your underwear?" they don't know the answers to that, they don't know better, and that does not encourage confidence they need to want to learn a new, and troublesome, task.
Changing your language may sound insane, and hard to do, but trust me - it works. In parenting in general and especially with potty learning.
Once you have that down {note: not perfected, I constantly slip up}, it's time to find something that keeps your child on the potty long enough for them to go...
Find a trick: Eventually, the novelty of books in the bathroom wore off, and when he started tossing them into the bathtub, I knew we had to try something else. For a while I allowed him to play with a potty app on my phone, watch a video on YouTube about kittens, or listen to music, but then I'd have to beg to have my gadget back and deal with the tantrum afterward.
I couldn't find something to keep him occupied, and it quickly led to the downfall of our second attempt.
Finally though, on our third and final go, we found what worked for him; Flushing! He quickly understood that in order to experience the satisfying flush, he needed to use the toilet. I even made up a goofy song and dance about how fun flushing was, that helped him to focus elsewhere until he was all done in his more impatient times.
Plus it helped him understand the process; we go, we wipe, we pull up our underwear and pants, we put the toilet lid down, we flush, we wash our hands, we dry them, we leave. We did it!
Which is something else I should bring up...
Dump the chair, and the Pull Ups: Three children before him had potty chairs, picking them out was a production each time, and yet minimal usage ever occurred. Everyone learned to use the actual toilet, so when it's time to get Kolaka on the potty we're going to allow him to pick out a small potty seat to go on top of the toilet seat, instead.
Pull ups have simply never made any sense to me, take the child out of diapers to put them into... diapers with a different name? Odds are you won't need them for nap or bed time, and since you have children, invest in those water absorbing sheets, or plastic mattress covers, anyway! Somehow we got lucky with Severus, he has never had a nap or bedtime pee fest, in fact, there was more urine on our bed when he was in leaky diapers. Go figure.
These items just add another transitional step that is completely unnecessary. Like sippy cups and pureed baby food, it took us way too long to get it and skip the middle man.
Speaking of which...
Lead yourself not into temptation, get rid of the diapers: During our second attempt, we told Severus that we only had this many diapers, and when they were gone we were going to use the potty again after almost every change. We wanted him to know what was going to happen, so it wasn't sprung on him like the initial attempt was.
When we finally threw the last diaper away we had him pick a pair of underwear and began the hell that was this run. It was easier without the backup of diapers, which we'd failed to get rid of the first time.
Likewise, make others aware too! I made the mistake of saying to my mother "We're out of diapers." so she went to the store and bought the biggest box she could find, thinking that we ran out and just hadn't gone to get any. That sweet gesture was a total setback! I was so giddy to see the diapers by that point, that I would have worn them myself as a thank you for them existing.
Using cloth diapers? One final wash and dry, then fold them and lock them up tight, out of view and out of reach.
And lastly...
Don't stop, don't give up: Yes, at some point you're going to wonder what kind of reprieve slamming a pan over your head would give you, but I'm telling you from experience {accidental} that it hurts and doesn't really do much more for you.
Stick with it. It might suck, but stick with it. Keep encouraging your child, praise their unlikely successes {I completely expected Severus to have an accident one snow day because it was so cold and he was having so much fun - he didn't, he grabbed himself and said "Mah potty?" and we had just enough time to haul ass inside to get him to it}, praise yourself too - you might slip in a pee puddle you didn't notice, laugh it off, it's alright.
We allowed several attempts with Severus, but won't with the little on the way, in all honesty if we hadn't been so discouraged, and so tired of the process, we would not have had to go through all of these steps. Trial and error your way through one attempt. When we finally got serious, and applied what we learned, it only took Severus a week to get it down pat.
Don't use "readiness" as an excuse to put it off. Families who practice elimination communication {which is simply not for us} don't have 6 month olds who are exhibiting the typical forcefed "signs of potty readiness" you're expecting to see, and yet they still successfully use the potty and do so consistently with help until they take it on by themselves at a much younger age than the national average.
Does your child pee and poop? Then they're capable of potty learning! {I've known friends to start from newborn age, I don't know how they do it, but more power to them because their little ones are usually completely using the potty by ONE!} As they learn to more effectively communicate {of which there are so many ways to do}, it does get easier but following their cues is not as impossible as one would imagine.
You don't have to reward your child with stuff to ensure potty success - you do that when you show them how proud you are. You reward them with your patience and your understanding and your attention. And that's more than enough.
It's worth the headache, I promise.
On the other hand, buy the candy anyway, and eat it yourself. It compliments Tylenol well.
Reader Comments (8)
I so needed this post when my kids were little. Potty training was a NIGHTMARE!
Thank you for posting this. I will have to try it with Robert.
Can you believe he'll be two in just over a week.
I think the biggest thing for making a successful potty training experience; Wait until the child is ready. I tried to push my 2nd to potty train early because his brother had potty trained at a younger age. I pushed, he wasn't ready. it was a nightmare. I stopped. We waited. 6 months later, he let us konw he was ready. We tried again; and he was potty trained within a day. It was much easier. Now with my daughter, She has speech delays, and I know I will have to take a different appraoch with her because she can not understand our "reasoning" about the importance of going potty on the toilet like her brothers could. We have to work things different for her. Each child is different and you have to go with what THEY need, not what is most convenient to you the parent. Even though she is 3 yrs already; I know she is not ready for potty training, so I'm not pushing it. When she shows an interest; we will approach teh subject.
I'm also not a fan of the treats. For my kids; they did love a reward though. But the reward was Mommy's praise and silly happy dance when they actually went potty on the toilet. I only had to give the happy dance the first few days. But I always had to give them praise when they used the toilet and not have an accident for a few weeks. To me; it is worth it. Every child needs praise. I don't think we can give them enough.
Staying consistent in any approach is definitely key. I think it might also be the most challenging aspect of things, especially with how busy family life can be these days!
Great post!! And letting mine lead definitely worked for me. (After learning the hard way that is) Thanks for sharing...
I just put up a blog entry today sharing my frustrations over potty training. These are great tips! I'm going to print them out and make some changes. Thanks!
I have three kids and baby number three is by far the most stubborn. He's almost 27 months and won't go near a potty. He will scream, cry, turn into a noodle and fall on the ground wailing. The first two kids were relatively easy... any advice on what to do with the stubborn ones?? Great, informative post, BTW!
I am about to start the training with my youngest, being almost 3 and still in diapers she is the oldest child I've ever had in diapers.. and this is totally how I will attempt to approach it