Eight Months

Dear Severus Danger,

You are eight magnificent months old today.

I was unable to write you an entry for 7 months, so I will cover some of your accomplishments, and share pictures from the last crazy month in this entry, I will go back to our usual format next month. Forgive me, please, for the lapse.

Your personality has blossomed greatly since you turned 6 months old and you have perfected crawling, though you still prefer to use you arms to drag your legs across the floor. The day after you began pulling yourself up, you began cruising the furniture and now, you are beginning to stand unsupported for a few seconds at a time. Yikes.

Hanging out at your grandmothers' store.

You're certainly mobile and busy, but there's always so much action going on that you mostly enjoy quiet moments; Sitting in a sunny spot in the living room and eating a book is one of your favorite pastimes, second only to nursing, which you still always attack with gusto!

In addition to mobility, you are well versed in the language of Om Noms. Thanks to Baby Led Weaning, you have tried well over 30 different foods. Stuff like white rice, carrots, pizza, bananas, egg rolls, cookies {thanks, Ueli!}, string beans, steak, watermelon, mushrooms... The list is long and delicious!

Enjoying a Popsicle on a very hot day in New York!

You have had some purees as well, but it's obvious you prefer the chunks of goodness and I don't blame you, because I've tasted those purees and they are pretty nasty, especially when compared to your Ueli's Arroz con Gandules. Your favorite food is lemon, you love the lemon!

My personal favorite things ever - you drink beautifully from a cup, and you have been working on feeding yourself with a spoon for a couple of weeks now. Dude. Seriously? You are my food prodigy.

There have been many, many changes in your world, but you have taken to each of them easily. You have visited more states than some adults have, even though you won't remember them. Traveling across the country wasn't always a dream, but you were fantastic and I am so thankful.

In North Carolina.

You still don't have a single tooth, you are a big fan of your Titi Nyann's puppy and of the kiddie pool, you are beginning to appreciate music and story time is all kinds of wonderful for you, even if I'm just reading you Tweets off my phone, or stupid news stories, or mommy blogs. You love being spoken to. And, you roar, like a little dinosaur! {Though Daddy says it's more like a bear growl.}

I'm in no rush to see you grow up so quickly though I am impressed by your big boy skills, my favorite times with you are in the mornings, when I'm reminded of your awesome babyness. Just moments before your big brothers awaken, you greet me with your humongous marble eyes and the gorgeous smile that sends my heart into a tailspin. The humidity of the almost Summer days has curled up the longer hairs right in the center of your head and you resemble a Kewpie Doll, you are incredibly adorable all snuggled beside me as I sneeze my face off from the horrid allergies.

Mr. Danger Baby, you are such a brilliant little star and I love you to the moon.

Caesar took this picture, and he is very proud of it, and of you!

Stream Of Consciousness Sunday

Fireworks. We're going to see some tonight, I think. If ever I can stop being distracted long enough to get in the fucking shower. 

My mom and I talked about Caesar, and then my mother in law and I talked about Caesar and both perspectives made this situation suck a lot less. I am grateful for the reminders that there isn't anything wrong with my son, it's a patience thing - who has it, who doesn't, how we're going to have to work on it all to ensure Caesar is respectful and has a good relationship with everyone.

My sister and youngest nephew leave today. That's about all I have to say about that, I guess. I hope it doesn't take me a year to see her again, but she's right when she said she wouldn't stay here unless she was staying in a hotel.

I know it's because of us, but I feel the same way - I could never stay anywhere with my sister, even temporarily. Our parenting styles are just.... too different. And her anal retentiveness drives me insane. 

I did miss her though, and I was grateful to see all of them. Dylan will be here for the rest of the month. And once he's back home, Samara is coming up. I'm so glad, she won't miss Nyann's birthday party, which is going to be pretty big.

I'm still getting reacquainted with Ithaca, I want to punch my husband in the face every time he points out someone he went to school with because, at all costs, I'm trying to avoid running into people myself. But today, at least right now, I'm feeling less depressed about it. My anxiety though, has been on Level Red, I'm trying to work through it, but I can't tell you how hard it is. I promise I won't get annoying, I guess at some point I'll start talking to my friends again. Maybe.

I got to spend the day at my moms' store yesterday and loved every moment, I am so grateful to be here to be able to help her with the web presence and her website, it's easier now that I can see what's going on firsthand. Plus, I love the ambience and pride for my mom's hard work seeps through my pores.

Thinking about bringing back Favorite Stuff Friday this upcoming week. Finally.

Ummmm... I'm exhausted, kinda want some coffee, that's all I got.

The Prodigal Problem Child

Earlier this evening, I asked Caesar to take off his play clothes, finish drinking his water and use the bathroom before he went to bed. 

This is all pretty standard. 

Caesar decides that this time he wants to sip his water obnoxiously, he blows bubbles into the cup, stores the water in his mouth. And for some reason I flip out. I am angry that he can't do the simplest things I ask without putting up some sort of resistance, I am tired of having to repeat myself. 

I snatched the cup away from him.

"Why are you so frustrating?" I ask him. My eyes are squeezed shut to hold back the angry tears that are stinging my eyes, I'm on my knees and my hands are wrapped around his bony arms. 

I'm begging my four year old to give me an answer to a really unfair question, I'm at an end, a loss, an impasse and I have no patience left to deal with his high spiritedness.

Since we got here, it has been like this almost every day. With my mother scrutinizing my children, their behavior and my efforts as a mother, I am on edge. They can't do a single thing without me on their ass telling them to quit. 

Since my sister arrived it has gotten even worse; 11 month old Jacob sleeps almost as much as a newborn, and my children have big mouths. And now Dylan is here for the next month, he's as bossy as Caesar but with more attitude and now there's constant diffusion and me dragging my son away.

Caesar is ostracized for his personality. And the patience we extend to him on a regular basis is looked at as letting him "get away" with his negative behavior. 

We do time outs as a last resort because I'd rather have the boys express themselves properly and when Caesar isn't able to, it leads to a frantic need to get his voice heard and results in an outburst. My mother takes this as him being disrespectful and rude.

Which I also understand, but since I know my kid, I know hat's not the case, but saying this is just "making excuses" for his behavior, and it's a lose/lose, but my son isn't the one who's going to lose anymore.

When I opened my eyes, my four year old was staring back at me, the fear in his eyes scared me.

And as much as I want to erase that pitiful face from my memory, as much as I hate myself for being the one that brought it out - it forced me to see what this pressure is doing to my sons, and how it is affecting my relationship with them.

I'm going against all of my instincts, making my children do things they've never had to do just so that I can appease my family in an attempt to deal with less problems - because FSM knows we're creating enough as it is.

I apologized to Caesar, hugged, kissed and tucked my biggest boy into the top bunk. Then I went into my room and breathed a sigh of disappointment. I won't allow this to continue, I refuse. 

But that's the easiest part.

The hard part is figuring out how I'm going to deal with my son being treated like the "different" one, the one no one wants to deal with. How am I going to help him cope with the inevitable hurt feelings.

Take for example;

My sister asked if the boys could go to the movies with Dylan and Nyann and her tomorrow.

Caesar has never been to the movies, so we said we'd think about it, but that Mercutio was definitely not ready for the experience. 

Cut to earlier, we're all in the kitchen and my mother goes over the plans with my sister who says she can't handle all three of the kids, and Caesar would need someone else there as backup because Nyann will listen and Dylan has no choice but to listen as she is his mother, but obviously - Caesar won't.

I can't go because I'd have to bring the baby. Christian doesn't even want Caesar to go with them, knowing how they feel and would rather take him ourselves.

So I just made it easier on everyone. Instead of having to make mom go, instead of creating a situation where my son is already made to feel like a time bomb, I simply said he couldn't go, no one fought for him to go because no one really wanted to deal with him in the first place.

He'll be disappointed tomorrow, when he sees everyone getting ready to go, but I'll think of something to do with him and Mercutio instead.

I don't know what I'm going to do, but I do know that my children have been through more than enough recently. Our whole routine, our lives are completely discombobulated and screwed up, we can't seem to find normalcy at all - the last thing they deserve is their mother being a fucking psycho because she has mommy issues.

I can rectify that much, at least.