I Smell Like Breastmilk & Exhaustion

Very slowly, things are falling into place as a newly minted family of seven. 

Even though this is about the widest gap we've had between children, Severus never transitioned "out of the way" like our eldest children did, and I'm left scrambling in the wake of toddler and newborn demands far more often than I'd like to be. I feel like I'm neglecting the older boys, but there are so many moments that I have with just them - and this is even aside from Homeschooling - I know that I'm really not.

Tandem nursing is tedious, my God it is the most beautiful, tedious thing I have ever experienced as a parent, and I feel wholly fulfilled and drained at the same time. 

The nights were hard, when one boy would wake the other, and I couldn't muster up enough energy to hold myself up and nurse them both. Christian would console one while I nursed another to sleep, and as soon as he unlatched, I'd usually end up dreamfeeding the other. But luckily that has gotten a little easier. Severus has begun to forego his daily nap, making his bedtime the same as his brothers he doesn't end up in our bedroom until the wee hours of the morning and as soon as he's asleep again, Christian will take him back into his bed. Thaddeus alone is cake.

The most difficult aspect of this transition is timing when I'm alone. Especially when it comes to making dinner.

We've ordered out so much since Thaddeus has been home and Christian has returned to work - because he's cluster feeding, or won't let me put him down, he has gas and it's bugging him, his brothers just stomped too close to him and scared him awake... again.

It's always something, and as I watch the minutes turn into hours with no hope of dinner being started anytime soon, I give up and order a pizza, Chinese, I don't care. Another hour later, everyone is fed and bedtime has been passed, Mercutio is in his glass case of emotions and can barely make it through Roses & Thorns, and it's time to set things right.

I set out to do that today, I was determined to make dinner on my own and on time. 

Despite the fact that it has been raining on and off most of the day, the house is still sweltering. My allergies are turned up high, one eye is leaking profusely while the other feels like sandpaper and I could rub them until they popped out and wouldn't mind one bit. I'm unshowered, still wearing pajamas and my hair is absolutely atrocious.

The definition of "hot mess"? It is unequivocally me in this very moment.

I am so uncomfortable, but I am still determined.

The boys have woken Thaddeus up four times, and not just disturbed his sleep, I mean they have woken him up and he is inconsolable. I keep repeating to them "If he doesn't stay asleep for long enough, I won't be able to make dinner. Please be more considerate." I ask them if there's anything I can find for them to do, when really I want to find some duct tape and just adhere them to a wall.

I am still determined.

Amazingly, there is peace. Thaddeus is happily nursing in my arms, the music is playing in the kitchen so my motivation remains high, and it happens; the child poops. I have no choice but to change him, so I wait until he's finished and do so. This, naturally, pisses him off and he needs to be nursed back to sleep again. 

I still have time, I am still determined.

Forty minutes later and the only one falling asleep is me, the bigger boys have abandoned their activity and moved onto another noisy game in the living room that involves jumping on the couch, I can't even with that right now. I won't choose this battle today. 

I put Thaddeus in his chair and for just long enough to fool me, he is content. I try nursing him for another 15 minutes, now I'm getting close to dinner time. Back in the chair and his tiny cries start up immediately.

I am still determined.

I pick the chair up and set it in the doorway of the kitchen hoping the music and my activity will keep him occupied. It doesn't.

And I'm done. My determination is gone. I'm about to take Thaddeus over to the computer, order dinner and nurse him back to sleep when I see the light. The big boys have been granted game time, they are quietly taking turns. I give them a bowl of Goldfish to share and apologize for dinner being late. Again. 

I grab the squawking bird from his chair, hold him close to me and put his playlist on. 

I start to sing to Thaddeus and sway on the spot. His crying stops. I dance and sing some more, soon enough we're covering the entirety of our miniscule kitchen. Just him and I, the same way I soothed his brothers and sister, it takes no time at all and he is in a deep sleep, but I am utterly sobbing way before that as I remember dancing with each of my babies.

I place him back in his chair. 

Victory.

I wash my face, sit with my bigger boys for a moment, give them just a liiiittle extra game time and am finally able to make dinner.

It was late, but at least it was homemade this time. 

I know that things will get easier, I'm not angry, or even sad, that it hasn't come together yet - but I am anxiously awaiting that precious day when I feel like I have it under some sort of control again. 

In the meantime, we're going to take this show into the bathroom so I can sashay my way into the shower. Hot mess and I cannot get too cozy.

The Birth Story Of Thaddeus Noir

It was Wednesday, and in keeping with the many Wednesdays before it, we celebrated by welcoming another week of pregnancy. A big week; thirty nine.

This was certain to be the last weekly progression because in two days time, at 5:45 in the morning, I was due to arrive at the hospital where my scheduled Cesarean would be taking place. We were more than ready for that day, even though things were beginning to move...

On Sunday, the 5th, my contractions started to feel much different than what I was used to and made me tremendously uncomfortable. We took a quick trip to the hospital to see what was going on; My cervix, though it remained high and closed, had gone from "fortress" to "very soft" - I was in early labor! 

The softening was a difference, but it wasn't dilation and we were sent home where the contractions and cramping continued irregularly.

On Tuesday, the 7th, after a couple of painful days and restless nights - I had discovered some bloody show. As instructed, I gave a call to Labor & Delivery. Since the contractions were irregular, and not terribly painful the on call suggested I stay home and relax - but reminded me that if the contractions DID become regular to call in immediately because it sounded like my cervix was effacing or dilating.

On Wednesday, the 8th, I'd woken in the usual discomfort of the recent days, but at around 1:30 in the afternoon noticed that the contractions had become more difficult to sit through and felt like they were regular. I timed them for about an hour and they were 5-6 minutes apart, lasting about a minute.

I sighed then.

I knew I'd have to go to the hospital for an evaluation, and I definitely did not want to have to go back to the hospital the next day for pre-admission testing and then again the next day for Baby's actual birth - but that's precisely what I saw happening.

I chalked it up and gave L&D a call. I knew I couldn't risk waiting, and sure enough I was asked to go in. 

There were a few setbacks and almost two hours later I finally walked out of the house alone and made my way to the hospital. 

It began as every trip typically did, but with sprinklings of good news; IF I was sent home, I could get the pre-admission tests done before being discharged, saving me a hospital trip, and - best of all, Dr. Terrific was on call. I was told that he may opt not to deliver since I'm obviously not with his practice, which I completely understood.

Baby looked great on the monitor, and I was having contractions every 1-2 minutes. Dr. Terrific came in and asked "How are we feeling about singing 'Happy Birthday' to your baby today?" to which I muttered a string of approving words and prepared myself for the eventual let down of that not happening.

He and I talked more about going into delivery, but with no absolutes. He'd asked about the tubal ligation and I told him that the paperwork was never completed in time, he gave a quizzical look and said he'd check on that and then dashed out. My cervix wasn't checked, I was a little disheartened, at least then either way I'd have a clear answer as to what we were doing.

While he was out a nurse came in with IV workings and that's when I broke out of my fog. There was no significant reason for having an IV placed, unless they were trying to space out my contractions - which they wouldn't do at this point and without knowing the state of my cervix - I was being prepped for surgery.

Dr. Terrific came back in and said that we could do the tubal, there is a clause with a loophole and I'd fit the conditions, all I needed to do was consent and so I did. He left the room again and I hesitated to send any news to Christian - I knew I was getting a tubal at least, but whether that meant for today or Friday, I had no clear idea.

Dr. Terrific came back in and had me sign more forms, I was a little overwhelmed by then, the nurse who did my IV tried putting it in my left hand first and the vein burst causing immediate swelling and an excruciating pain, the contractions were still on top of each other and I wasn't sure if I needed to call in the cavalry. 

Then, as if reading my mind, Dr. Terrific asked if everyone who was supposed to be here was here, as he waved his arms over the empty chairs in the room, and I nervously declared that they were not. When he told me to contact them, my heart jumped out of its cage and flew out the window. He told me that everything looked fine, there was no emergency and that we'd go to the OR in 50 minutes. 

More than enough time for Christian to get to me - I sent him an email in all caps from my Kindle {my phone broke last week and I never ordered a new one} and he responded immediately. Then, for good measure, I asked the nurse; "Am I... having. a. baby?" and she smiled and said yes. "He's not gonna change his mind? I'm really having a baby?" a no, and then another yes. 

Less than an hour until I met my son, it was finally T. Time!

Or rather, it was finally T. Time like TWO HOURS LATER!

Thaddeus Noir {translates to "courageous heart of black"} arrived at 10:02pm on Wednesday May 8th 2013 at 39 weeks gestation.

Our heaviest baby at 6 pounds, 8 ounces. He was 17 3/4 inches long. 

And worth every nanosecond of wait. 

While we were all set to go into surgery at 8pm, there was an emergency appendectomy that took precedence, so instead Christian and I settled in for the longest two hour wait I have ever experienced in my life! 

When we got to the OR I was immediately taken aback by how small the room was. Usually they are huge, bright and foreboding, this was just as foreboding and bright but with the added feel of claustrophobia. The team was buzzing about, not in a rushed way, but given the size of the room it certainly felt that way.

I did not get a chance to feel comfortable with it. I was glad to have Christian there the whole time since usually he's not allowed in until after the spinal. The anesthesiologist step by step informed me of the spinal process and it made me anticipate it and it hurt the most out of any spinal before. 

The beeps from the machines sounded too close and too loud, I was anxious listening to my own heartbeat accelerate and decelerate and I didn't remember ever feeling so much pressure in my chest. I had some moments of total panic, but Christian, as usual, held my hand and told me that I was doing just fine, I'd be okay, everything was going well. 

Luckily, Doctors Terrific and Why Are You Scrunching Your Face At Me Like That did NOT explain the process of the Cesarean, and I was able to force myself to calm down at least a little bit. In less time than I expected, I felt that all too familiar pressure and heard the smallest gurgle.

I looked over at Christian, who looked back at me and nodded, that gurgle was our son's - and then I cried. 

The little sounds grew into plaintive wails and he made his arrival known.

After a crushing miscarriage and uncertainty regarding trying for another child, finding out I was pregnant two seconds after we chose to try again, worrying almost the entire pregnancy about whether a baby would be placed in my arms, contractions, cramping, bedrest, confusion, a vast collection of hospital bracelets from countless visits, the disharmonious theft of my precious potatoes... after all of this, he was here.

Thaddeus had arrived, he made it.

And I finally got to meet him.

They took him to the nursery for the rest of the newborn procedures, Christian followed. Once the tubal ligation was completed and I was mended, both doctors congratulated me and I was wheeled to my room where Christian met up with me shortly after.

Thaddeus was experiencing some rapid breathing so they were giving him a bit of a closer look in the nursery. While we waited for him to join us, we looked at pictures and marveled over how much he looked like all three boys, all of his hair and we high fived his making it to six pounds.

After a few minutes, the Tupperware rolled into the room and my Prince was placed in my arms to nurse. His face was swollen and puffy, his eyes were still goopy and since they'd skipped his bath, his hair was still matted with remnants of womb.

He was still stunningly beautiful.

The next afternoon, and after a much needed first bath, our bigger boys met their baby brother!

They approved the eventual transfer home.

And home seems to welcome the new addition.

It has been a few days and though we are certainly feeling the transition, we are also enjoying a lot of it. 

Separately, Severus and Thaddeus are champion nursers, together they are a pro duo - making tandem breastfeeding much easier than I anticipated it would be - but also difficult ways I hadn't expected. The crusade to cloth diapering is not as easy as I, maybe naively, thought it would be. Though, being such novices makes for some priceless laughable moments - and they're even starting to grow on Christian.

I'm having a great recovery so far, I was ready to leave the hospital as soon as I got there but had made it a priority not to look at my stay as an inconvenience. The outlook changed the quality of my experience dramatically. I was glad that I put the nurses basket together. It made me feel great to give them something for their putting up with me for so long with such patience.  

And now, our childbearing days have come to a close, our family completed, a new journey begun.

I birthed my first child in 2003 and now, ten years later, my last.

What wondrous gifts this decade has given me, and what a phenomenal life of amazement I lead because of them.

"Blessed" barely begins to cover it.

39 Weeks And DONE!

Caesar took this wonderfully flattering photo of me while we gardened. 38 and 2 here.

Finally, we have made it to the final week pf my pregnancy and T.Kettle is now the size of something that makes sense; a watermelon! 

Cool stuff happening {via BabyCenter}: The little boy is biding his time, concocting how he will set out his plans for world domination, and, like a turtle in a tank, constantly swimming in corners that he can't quite get out of yet. And he's getting more chublets for Mommy to pinch.

Mommy feels like: This is totally surreal. 

Tomorrow, I have pre-admission testing at the hospital. Then at 5:45 Friday morning, I will be checked in and TV.Dinner will enter the world around 2 hours later. How did we get here so quickly?! 

These enthusiastic guys are enjoying their last days as Mommy and Her Three Boys, we chose Hawaii to learn about this week and are concluding with a luau tomorrow. Then they will be carted off to their Ueli's house until Christian returns home.

Caesar is still holding out some hope for a baby sister, Mercutio is just glad that T.Cup didn't decide to show up on his birthday, Severus is pretty sure he's not interested in sharing his nursing time. I have no doubts that we will all pull through this trying time together. Samara is anxiously awaiting pictures, since I broke my phone last week and still haven't ordered my new one, she'll get a ton from Christian.

Christian is counting down with us in his own nonchalant "We're just having a baby." way that never fails to amuse me. He's such a pro, all calm, cool cucumber, but I know he's bubbling away. 

We are all elated in our own ways, and I am just thrilled that he will be here soon and we can snuggle him. 

The last expansion to this family we've built. I don't have near enough words for the feels I'm feeling. 

Craving: Falafel again, already thinking about the yums I'm making tomorrow for our luau and drooling all over the place.

Names the children have suggested: Drawing, Baby Crawly {I almost went with"Crawley". I miss Downton Abbey}, Chubby Cheeks, Cinnamon, Parachute, Cutesy Booty Booty, Little.

Name Christian suggested: Atiba Antipasta. 

I can promise you that NONE of the names suggested here, or in previous entries, will be used. I cannot wait to introduce our new son!